today's gooood. did quite lotsa work, mind was preoccupied.
As the days go by, i feel lighter, happier (:
Had a great time having dinner wit the studybunchofnuts (heh),
though there wasnt any yf today.
The service at Johnson lock or wateveritscalled at CheongChinNam sucked to the max.
10 of us, but i told the guys to change the order to 8 persons but 2 extra rice.
cos the proportions are usually damn big.
but funny this time was damn small.
Then they gave that buaysong look and kept glancing over our table.
Must be that I'd seen through their money making tactic..
these hawkers rather waste food and earn money lor.
eh the africanas have nothing to eat can.
That fat (really) biatch even gin-ed me when i approached her asking why we had 2 bowls less of soup.
and she was f.L.i.R.t.i.N.G wit tt table of Cheena High Boys.
i was too hungry to think about boycotting their food la.
Anw, better not go back there anytime soon
lest they add some nose poopoo or salivary amylase in.

NO WORK TOMORROW!!!
beni has resolved to wake up after 10am if beni cans.
[yes xb and jamjam, im at it again (:]
anw, potluck postponed to 2pm!
Cant wait to see oh-four-ay-oh-s!x again.
darn i havent thought of what to bring either.
diediediedieDIE.
Its Labour Day tomorrow!!
chants- holiday,holidayholiiddaayyyy!!
-gives cue for everyone to follow.
*
Enough rantings. but too bad, here's more.!
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHO'S DA MOFO BAND WHO THRASHED THE "I WILL SURVIVE" SONG??
heard it on the radio recently, some friggin band wit a MALE lead singer.
The song is WRECKED no thanks to them.
I have good mind to sue those foulmouths.
Somebody, please do a good deed and TELL ME.
*
no thanks to jamiee and xuanB whom im crapping wit right now on msn,
im talking rubbish in here cos i think i will go crazy if i type anymore things in this space.
ahh. i know.
im DISTURBED.
beni- out.

tinkering on the piano feels so good after such a long time.
What barrage of emotions thrashing me just fades...even if for awhile.
i miss my violin too. always preferred it to the piano,
but i was always lazy to take it out to practice.
no more chance to finish my grade8s anymore..
and i kinda regret it.
i was that close.
ahwell.
*
im leaving you with this song..

whenloveandhatecollidedef.leppard

You could have a change of heart
If you would only change your mind
Instead of slammin' down the phone, girl
For the hundredth time
I got your number on my wall
But I ain't gonna make that call
When divided we stand baby, united we fall

Got the time, got a chance, gonna make it
Got my hands on your heart, gonna take it
All I know, I can't fight this way

You could have a change of heart
If you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy about you baby
Time after time

Without you, one night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone?
Without you, can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

I don't want to fight no more
I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby
Like an act of war
I can tell a million lies
It would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger
It hits you right between the eyes

There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know, got to win this time

Without you, one night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone?
Without you, can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

You could have a change of heart
If you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy about you baby
Crazy, crazy

Without you, one night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone?
Without you, one night alone
Is like a year without you baby
If you have a heart at all

Without you... can't stop the hurt inside...
When love and hate collide
*
goodnite.

and e Principal of NanChiau is my ex form teacher MDM SURIN's HUBBY.
Whom she always haolians to us about.
I wonder what she's doing now.
Bet she took 5 days leave from school,
bet all the teachers are gossiping about it now.
poor thing. :DD

And i MUST add:
Willy hunkie's MTV is plastic crap.
Its sooooo Not obvious that its all scripted can?
Ask him to go find spider please.

Ive blogged too much today, and momma's back to normal mood again. how cute.

She's at it AGAIN. its not like i didnt breathe a word to her at all today! Didnt i just happily talked to her about the NanChiau thing?! And she sits infront of me while im surfing, asking me to get a boyfriend soon. i told her that if she wants then ok lor.
THEN SHE ASKS ME WHY I WANT TO GET ONE AT SUCH AN EARLY AGE.
Hey momma, didnt you just ask me to get one?!
She keeeeeeps trying to find some rubbish topic, then she puts on my dad's glasses and stares at the com screen, saying that she wants to be on the same frequency as me, be friend-friend la, blahblahblah. Then she says that she cant see a thing with his glasses. -.-

Me: Ok, since you wanna be on the same frequency as me, then let me wear my bikinis and dont comment.
She: You want to show off your bust rite? then you wear and let us see. You dare? I was the one who gave birth to you and helped you put on clothes last time, so i have every right to see. Now i havent even seen you wear and you are wearing it for others to see. wear for us to see then i'll let you wear!

I pretended not to hear.

Then she started going on about how 'she's needed in the family anymore... she doesnt earn money and i do so now she's of zero status.' That did it for me. I almost shouted at her la. argh trying to keep swear words out of my blog now, but yeah, i got quite heated up and told her not to put words or thoughts into my mouth. She then started scolding herself for being 'stupid, stupid and stupid for wasting 1hr trying to talk rubbish to someone'. I asked her if she was going through menopause and asked her to go away. I know i was rude but i SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY ABHOR it whenever she starts. She does that to my bro sometimes too, but she doesnt bug him as long as she bugs me.

IM FREAKING PISSED. BAH.

fools rush in
its funny, these humans.
They throw themselves into something which they know aint good for them;
They follow their hearts rather than their minds,
Knowing that they'll suffer in the end.
but they dont care.
For the sake of their emotional satisfaction at that juncture of their life.
for their selfish pleasures, desires, wants.
then follows indulgence and pure bliss.
Everything seems perfect.
Till one day things go wrong, and they finally force themselves to take a reality check
only after all the tumultuous pain, anguish and emotional torture has set in.
Then they blame themselves or even others
for letting themselves into this.
emotion and logic arent best friends.
short-term pain, long-term happiness
or short-term happiness, long-term pain?
Humans do have the answer to most problems.
They all have it up there in their heads.
its up to them on which, the heart or the mind, they want to listen to.
But somehow each and everyone of them humans fail to see the simplicity of it all at times,
be it the most idealistic or the most pragmatic.
or is it not simple afterall?
Why do emotions overrule a person?
Why are the most palpable facts always scorned at?
Why does the truth hurt?
This is one thing about human emotions i will never grasp.
Or. its the devil at work.
Once the human shows weakness, he jumps in.
he pulls at the strings of the heart,
augmenting what humans secretly yearn for, though sinful.
The tiny voice at the back of the mind fades...
Humans. I am one of them
trapped in this sinful, dark, world.

i cant wait to go back to my Father's House.

Where's no misery, no grieving.
That's what i call real bliss.
take me, dear Lord...
take me.

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Benitis
Cause:	mobile phone radiation
Symptoms:	gastrointestinal bleeding, premature greying, imperceptibly white saliva, excessive bursts of flame
Cure:	acupuncture
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

woah. see, everything to do with me is terrene.
not my fault.

PEEJAYCEE 04a06 3mth course people:

This Sat (1st of May)
11am
Woodlands Mrt

Gathering!

Potluck@Maz's, so bring food everyone!!
if not we'll just starve.

We gonna watch OUR Veedee-O.! :DD
Da Nobodies.
FINALLY.

Ah, the mundane life.
Life which has absolutely no meaning;
one which is fabricated with nothing but work and money.
im developing an immense terrestrial practicality.
ive become burdened to the realm's coveted.
work has become quotidian
and im coerced into working no thanks to that carnal mercantile object which binds all men (like it or not) into slavery to the world.
So im a subservient too.
The noxiousness of money is ruining my social and spiritual life.
im waning.
But there are of course the bright sparks (:
who alleviate my already abject life
my wonderful bests.....
though not all the time there ): due to studies.
For some future. For money again.
Bah.
Its evil, i tell you.
eeeevvvillll.

And banish hence these abject, lowly dreams. --Shak.

appreciate
Something's got me thinking again today. It has been going on for awhile, and i think its time i brought it up. Hope that it will set people thinking after reading it, for those who get the drift. I'm guilty of this too.
Today, a phone call to somebody's hp made me feel bad. It reminded me of the time when he came and sat down with me and doreen for dinner cos the other tables were already full. Then he tried to make small talk with us, asking us if the talk which was held earlier was useful, etc. Then came the sentence which made us feel bad - "He's interesting right? Aiyah, i think you all are tired of me already right, hahaha"
See, if one can say something like that, this thought has actually crossed that person's mind before and even if he pretends to be treating it lightly, well, it still... makes a difference.
Then i began to realise that we do not care much about this person. Maybe its because we are a bunch of people who waits for someone to speak up before noticing that person and thus holding a conversation. But we certainly do not give much attention to this person here im talking about. And he has done so much for us. The unsung hero. Yes, sometimes appreciation is shown, but only when we feel that there's a need for this appreciation to be shown, there and then. After that, no one remembers.
I noticed too that he's the one going about asking who's going for dinner. We all are, but no one answers him. A scattered 'yah' here or there, and that's about it. All busy talking amongst themselves, planning where to go and what to eat. After the usual dawdling, we just turn and leave in a bunch and walk to the market. That explains the 'no more space', and the phone call. We just conveniently forgot about him. Not only that, no one bothers to go up to him to make small talk. He's the one chatting us up, and after awhile the conversation dies out and we saunter off to join our own friends.
I wonder how he feels.
Trying so hard for the past 2 1/2 years, successfully forming what brought all of us together, making sure we remain strong in our faith, trying his best to hold our interest, letting us have fun, fighting for our rights, fighting to keep us financially abundant, giving us the best- all these almost without having us do anything. All the dirty work is kept off our hands. And? We just take them all for granted. Appreciation, you say, we DO show. When we clap to thank him. But i seriously dont think this is gratifying as showing appreciation in tiny ways. They touch the heart more. Its pretty demoralising to think that the people you are slogging away your life for dont seem to appreciate it.
No, you tell yourself, they do appreciate it, just that they are not used to showing it/there's a generation gap so i dont blame them;
This goes on though- and the thought starts dawning upon you slowly that they may not be cognizant to your efforts afterall...but still you tell yourself that you have committed yourself to this ministry and you will still do your utmost for these youths.
I wonder how he feels.

Finally got this off my chest. Was planning to bring it up in a 'secret meeting' cos its really kinda bothering me. Hope that you guys do understand and chew on it. AND take a step, be it together with everybody or on your own initiative.

*
Wahh piang. said so much.....
Had a loooonnnnnggg day sia.
But i really enjoyed myself today!
Im happy (:
Ok, goodnite everyone`*

randomshit
Work tomorrow,
then swimming,
then JUMP at 5pm.
i think i'll lose another 2kg with this kind of schedule.

*

'cos friday nights- and every other day-
will never be the same again.

round one to myself.

*

im living a lie.

im lying to myself that im happy
but im not.
i know that i will ultimately be happier walking away
but im feeling terrible right now.
im happy with your presence
yet i know your heart's not in it.
but i choose to feel happy selfishly.
either way, its like blindfolding myself,
taking a knife and piercing my own heart
and telling myself that someone else's doing it;
i wont die.

its a lie.
ive died.

Irisgoogoodolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that i've ever been
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

it feels so good being able to eat
swallow saliva
talk
laugh
sneeze
cough
sing
all these- without having to wince.
ive recovered!
but those around me are falling sick..
my sis, for one.
*
i want to be happy.
i dont want to let anything get me down anymore.
enough tears
enough emotions running wild.
beni's strong.
beni will move on with life.
beni's broken heart will mend.....
with time.

feels so good
yet hurts so bad
im losing you
im losing myself too.

im mending.

im walking away
pulling away
slowly
step
by
s
-t
--e
---p
tearing myself apart at the same time
everytime the impulse comes
when i pass by where you are
to look for you,
just to see your face
but i fight that
burning desire down
and i
walk
a w a y,
burnt.
But you just wont walk away
from my mind.
my heart hasnt stopped crashing.

its so wonderful to FINALLY have an uninteruppted sleep at night.
Am at work now, but the aircon's making me feel rather giddy..
oh well. filing as usual, 5days of filing to dooo.
finished half, slacking now.
will finish the other half after lunch!
toodles.

my dad has made my home wireless-lan enabled, so i can surf from anywhere at home next time! how shiok is that man.
anw, here's how my nu` laptop will look like!! heh :DDD

beautiful. (:

Pirates of the Caribbean!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Benita's Disorder
Cause:	excessive Internet usage
Symptoms:	leaning at 45 degrees, pale skin, slightly collapsed lungs
Cure:	take seven potions of extra healing a day until it goes away
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Woah. im honoured to have 1/3 of the world's population having my disease! :D

my sleep was interrupted only 3 times,
thank God.
Felt really terrible again last night
Mom forced me to see TCM again despite my protests.
I wanted to see western docs,
thinking that their medicine is stronger and will work faster.
The doc gave me a prick on my finger with a pin-like thing,
saying that it'll help my throat loosen and swallowing saliva wont hurt so badly.
It did help, but later in the night it got painful again.
She gave me a massage on my back too,
and i think the whole clinic was wondering where that weird, scratchy moaning sound was coming from-
the hungry ghost festival is still a couple of months away.
Anyhow, no thanks to the massage (e doc had to lift up my shirt),
my mom found out of my bikini-wearing.
Surprisingly, she only said that i shouldnt "follow those masalas (now what the hell is that??) and wear bikinis and show off so much"
I pretended to be asleep.
Am feeling much better, mild fever, occasional giddiness and headaches
but my throat and ears still are clogged and hurting.
And my voice sounds sickeningly..sweet, cos i cant raise it
and talk for long either.
Told the secretary that i'll be going back to work tomorrow..
which i dont feel like actually.
but no choice since my MC says 2 days.
I want to rest one more day and go back to work hale and hearty!
shit man, all the filing i have to do......
anyway. my 3 meals these few days have been plain porridge, plain porridge and plain porridge.
i think ive lost 3 kg.
after watching that new show on Ch8 with Tay Ping Hui (sluurrp~),
I've decided- my first indulgence when im fully recovered will be LAKSA.
5 days of no chilli is pure torture for me.
*
My dearest brother has splurged $135 on a Levi's 515 which is of similar make as mine -.-
was wondering since when has he had the money when my mom broke a gentle reminder to me.
"He said that you'll be paying for it."
WAT?!
No thanks to me and my big mouth
(on his birthday, i casually said that i'll sponsor him a pair of jeans since he needed a pair. He doesnt wear jeans.)
I wanna slap myself....
me to me: you think wat?! you earn 5k a month sibo!? idiot!
nvm. urgghh. Why didnt i kenna the sorethroat on his bday!
haha. that's 3years of bday presents for you, kor. :P
now im dead broke even before ive actually earned my money!!
have to get my laptop.
got my eye set on a Toshiba Portege A100, which has a WHITE clear coat chassis, 2.2kg only!
its damn pretty.
$2832.90 pretty price too eh. |:
*
Thanks emi, nuer, daeeena, xy and eu for yer encouragement!
it made my day (:

in my delirium,
all i could see was you....
for awhile, i felt so much better
then the world came crashing down again.
and all i could see was you.

Ok. im back.
short break, but apart from blogging and a few other things im too embarrassed to reveal,
i have literally nothing to do online already.
so, yeah. i guess i have to move on with life.
a bittersweet chapter closes...
*
anyway,
am typing now with a 39.3deg body temperature.
its a wonder i havent gotten brain damage.
my temperature's rising and falling like some stock market.
having a freaking painful throat which is causing my ears to clog up and hurt,
swollen, puffy eyes due to the sleepless nights i'd had no thanks to the throat
and a partially blocked nose.
even the most simple task of swallowing saliva makes my facial muscles contract.
and my right calf muscle is slightly strained too.
im hurting everywhere.
havent been speaking much since friday,
and what comes out from my mouth is grunts and squeaks, germs and bad breath.
so stay away from me!
3rd day of work, and i had to be sick.
argh. i cant stand it.....i want to die.
i dont mind not talking, really!
its the pain i cant tahan.
take care peeps.
dont fall sick; aint fun.

im bleeding alone.

how i wanted to hold you close before i left
yet i withheld myself
how i wanted to taste your lips one last time
yet i knew i couldnt and i looked away from them
how i wanted to stay
yet i knew i had to leave
i walked away
tears forming in my eyes
my mind was in oblivion
my body shaking with every step i took
then you said your heart shattered
and i could feel my pieces rip apart further
under the cold shower
i finally broke down
even so i could not let it all out
i was afraid to be heard
but even the water mocked at me as they tore at my skin
every drop a million torns vehemently tearing its way into my heart
the twisted, tormented, wretched me
humbled.
i know you'll be there
but things have changed
no matter how much i want to talk to you
the words are lost before i speak
all the beautiful times we had together
now but a mere memory
to be locked up, and never to be relived
thank you for letting me feel loved
thank you for everything
i hope time will heal
If we are meant to be,
we will be.
enough of taking things into our own hands.
God will plan..
and my life ends here.
*

shall leave this place stagnant.
no more blogging for now.
afterall, my english is not as powerful as jane's or lauren's
my blog is not as interesting or funny as xiayan's.
im not as crazy as jamie
so i wont be missed.
and my life ends here.

schizophrenia
life seems to snap back to normal
although i know that its not the same anymore.
All kinds of thoughts are invading my mind
Thoughts the old Benita used to have;
thoughts she never once harboured.
and i render myself speechless at the atrocity of what i am actually thinking of.
i feel weird, weird and weird.
i seem to be looking at myself from afar,
wondering who the occupant of that body actually is.
There's a side of me i never knew
and no one ever knew.
now it is unleashed.
Me trying to throw the reins back
Me trying to avoid getting tied back
Let the tug-of-war begin.
*
argh my throat is inflamming.
work starts tomorrow.
i won class95's cashcall just now,
being the first caller with the phone no.
with the numbers they had chosen.
And that's 50 bucks to me.

-buckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuck
buckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuck
buckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuck
buckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuck
buckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuckbuck-

dammit i deleted my old blog, and now all e archives are gone too.
damn damn damn.

ESTP - "Promotor". Action! When present, things begin to happen. Fiercely competitive. Entrepreneur. Often uses shock effect to get attention. Negotiator par excellence. 4.3% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||| 30% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 33% Type 6 Anxiety |||||| 30% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||| 53% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||| 73% Your Conscious-Surface type is 2 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 1w2

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againjanetjackson
I heard from a friend today
And she said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my
Mind

How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again

A wounded heart you gave
My soul you took away
Good intentions you had many
I know you did

I come from a place that hurts
And God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return
Never fall again

Making love to you
Oh it felt so good and
Oh so right

So here we are alone again
Didn't think it'd come to this
And to know it all began
With just a little kiss

I've come too close to happiness
To have it swept away
Don't think I can take the pain
No never fall again

Kinda late in the game and my heart is in
Your hands
Don't you stand there and then
Tell me you love
Me then leave again
Cause I'm falling in love with
You again

Hold me
Hold me
Don't ever let me go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows I do
Love you
Again

change
went back to band on saturday a stranger.
practically no one, except for my perc
acknowledged my presence.
yet i still felt the detachment
though i still miss perc lots.
Missed playing a realdrumset.
New bandroom, one void of memories.
The one with memories now rubble and dust
and with a new building over where it once held those crazy,bittersweet memories.
New conductor who coaches 3hrs and disappears during
what used to be a whole 5hrs practice.
New leaders who, honestly,
take the wrong approach to discipline the band.
Maybe the band has left the leaders too exasperated to allow them to speak to them nicely.
New and old members.
Attitude problems, obvious waning of passion for the band.
SAP? Wtf. doesnt mean that you're SAP then band takes a backseat.
H e l l o. I was also a SAP student. Studies come first? Test tomorrow? O levels coming?
What does that have got to do with band?
Everyday you can go to JP JEC Westmall Town till dont know what time and go home too tired to study or do homework.
Then you say that you need to study so cant go for band.
Spare me the rubbish.
No interest then just quit.
All you asses care for is the CCA points. Screw you and go fcuk spider la.
So what if the band has a good conductor now?
The passion's gone.
Forget about SYF Gold 2005.
So prove me wrong.
*
So much have changed.
People, places, things, mindsets.
I myself have emerged a different person.
I dont really recognise myself anymore.
Things have changed.
How sad.

easter
Happy Easter everybody!
Let's not forget the fact that Christ chose to save us instead of himself
and that His resurrection just proves that He IS God!

The comp died on me on Friday (no link to Good Friday k) and i almost died too.
I got a new mouse for e com but my internet still hangs now and then.

Recently it has become the scenario at home again when everything your parents say irritates the shit out of you.
I cant stand them trying to act 'friends' with me,
or forcing me to talk to them, wanting to know every detail of how i spent my day, etc.
Dont wanna go into e details, lest i die of embarrassment
You may say that they're doing it for my good/showing concern, but its kinda impossible not to be irritated when you're their child.
Or in my shoes.
Oh well.

Am watching NKF now,
and i seriously dont understand why they have to pull such painful stunts to have callers donate.
yucky ho yeow sun (sorry, but imho i just dont think she can sing. and she looks weird.) and sharon au.
The former having darts shot into her back
The latter climbing a ladder of samurai swords.
I noticed, though, that the numbers did jump more when they grimaced, let out sharp gasps of pain and trembled into the camera.
I too noticed that some of the members of the audience were teary-eyed and some mouths literally gaping.
Then comes the appeal for donations, the catch phrase for this year being
"Please call, this little amount of pain is temporal and is nothing to us.
But the pain dialysis patients suffer lasts for years.."
Why use this method? To poke the audience into feeling sorry for the artiste?
i guess the 'guilty conscience' psychological thing is working.
Was wondering if NKF manages to hit this year's target
after the comment on their usage of their $150 million reserves being used more on non-charitable works.
NKF is the richest charitable organisation in Singapore.
Just see how many donation cards pop up almost everywhere you go during a period of time
be it your relatives' homes, schools, places of worship etc.
Where the people are, where the cards will be.
Then you have to start declining one by one, forcing a weak smile saying that you'd donated
or having no choice but to pull your wallet out and donate... $2, apparently the lowest amount on e card,
secretly hoping that you could donate $1 but this amount under "others" makes you look cheapskate.
The last comment applies to adults mostly as i have observed.
Honestly, i hope they dont reach it this year.
There'll be another round of call-making next week anyway!
Then they'll extend the calling deadline, and use who-knows-what methods to reach their target.
Save face.
Mrs Goh Chok Tong is the patron leh!
Cannot make the PM look bad.
My mom made a point:
"Wah, get kidney failure then get placed on the pedestal for all the sufferings
then what about those who got cancer or heart attack leh?"
Yah lor. Why NKF gets all e benefits?
Smaller charities?
Quite sad, cos since NKF is a widely known charitable organisation (read: the above),
people feel safer donating to them than other lesser known organisations.
But ha ha, they didnt know where the money was goin either.
National Kidney Foundation.
How misleading.
Screwed, screwed.
But i admit that i fell into their idoltry-psychology snares already.
When Mayday came onscreen.
Ah well.

its quite painful even hoping
that i may be someone to you
when im not that someone
nevermind.

death
Went to the wake of one of my church members, Uncle Daniel Ng last night. I had received an email asking the worship team to go for the wake out of respect, and i was wondering who he was. They said that he helped to set up breakfast every week and man the library counter. I had a vague portrait of who he is in my mind (but i wasnt sure), and i was quite shocked to find out- Little did i know that he was the uncle i just saw on Sunday only, faithfully setting up breakfast and pouring syrup into the drink dispenser. He is survived by his wife and young daughter, who is only Primary 6. At 48, he is one year younger than my parents.

The thought came upon me- what if it was my dad or mom who had passed away? Even though i didnt know him personally, it was inevitable that i felt sad due to the closeness of his age to my parents'. I saw him on Sunday, still hale and hearty. Or rather, he didnt display the slightest sign of illness. The next day, I received smses being passed around, saying that he'd suffered a heart attack and was having internal haemorrhage and desperately need A+ blood. Tuesday morning at 3am, he was gone. Gone home to be with the Lord.

The funeral's just downstairs, the block right beside mine. I didnt want to view the body as i didnt really know him, but i persuaded myself to go and offer my respect and condolences. Then i saw auntie Catherine, her eyes red. She was still trying to hold back her tears. Uncle Daniel, she told me poignantly, had been helping her every week without a single complaint and he was a really nice man. She was greatly affected by his departure. I could only sigh at the loss of an unsung hero- sacrificing extra sleep time to come to church early when he did not have to, running around bringing in food and drinks for those who bothered only to eat and chat happily to their own contentment. And i wonder how many have actually went up to him and showed him their appreciation. Now they do not have the chance to do so anymore..

The funerals ive been to. The people i see are two disparate crowds. Some laugh, talk loudly amongst themselves, gamble with cards and mahjong. Others are sombre, talking silently to the members of the deceased's family, consoling them, offering a hug or two to them. The procession takes place, the body is sent to be buried or cremated. Silence with scattered sobs make up most of the gloomy atmosphere among the loved ones for the rest of the three to five days.
As the coffin is heartlessly pushed into the incinerator and the door slams shut with a plaintive bang, like the announcement of the end of the deceased's suffering. The favourite music of the deceased plays in the background. The viewing room bursts with emotion; they scream the deceased's name in anguish. Even the strongest macho man who has been controlling his emotions for days cant help but let it all out at the wails and sobs of everyone around him.
Another place, the coffin is slowly lowered into the freshly dug trench at the cemetry. The pastor scatters a handful of soil onto the coffin below, saying "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." One shovel by one shovel of soil is tossed into the trench, till none of the coffin remains visble, six feet under. The loved ones weep silently.
They get back into the awaiting buses and leave. The silence is temporal, and soon a babble of talk breaks out. Death, it then dawned on me, is also ephemeral. God has brought him back to His side, where "he will be with Him in paradise". As long as i know that he has been granted eternal life, sadness takes a back seat. It is temporal- just like the loss of the person. Everyone will definitely feel the physical loss of the person and the memory he'd left behind but after a few weeks or months after a person has passed on, lives are resumed as nothing has happened. But it is virtually impossible to ignore the fact that there is a definite loss somewhere, someplace. The world mourns at the death of anyone. Be it the world's greatest, or the world's most evil, once the soul is sent back to heaven to be judged, all else on earth that person has done becomes a memory; consecrated or condemned, connived or concluded.

Ephemeral.
Life, and death. Just like the memory of a person after he passes. Nothing in this world is forever. Except for His promise of His love and eternal life He has given me. One just has to move on and keep living the life one has to the fullest no matter what. I wonder how my funeral would be.. will touch on that in another entry i guess.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." Matthew 6:19-20

numbers
8 hours a day
7 per hour
5 days a week
11 weeks - 55 days
= $3080

My uncle's secretary called me yesterday to ask me when i can start work.
She told me that tentatively i'll be paid $7/hr, the rate for temporary staff,
but she doesnt know how my uncle will pay me, so i'll discuss it with him first.

My prayers have been answered!!
Thank God man..............I'll have enough to pay for everything i need,
and even go shopping!
Joyce asked me to go scuba diving on e 17th-22nd June, about $400.
but church camp ends 16th.
I really wanna go!
Hope my mom allows.
That totals up my expenditure for this year...
$3000.

and i hereby leave $80 for my mom.

Cheerio (1:00 PM) :
huh?
_.bbenii`[[* (1:01 PM) :
i tot u offline ^^'
_.bbenii`[[* (1:01 PM) :
my com hung laaaaaaa...
Cheerio (1:01 PM) :
i didnt go offlien u kuku...haha...comp hang? now ok liao not
_.bbenii`[[* (1:03 PM) :
ahah nono... its still hung but i dont know y i still can talk to u!
Cheerio (1:04 PM) :
oh!! haah cos it's ME mah...the comp likes me so much
_.bbenii`[[* (1:04 PM) :
........WAH PIANG. u den kuku la! im being sarcastic can! OF COURSE its ok liao la! if not how to talk to u!
Cheerio (1:05 PM) :
oh!! u kn i really din kwn u were sarcastic!!! hahaha
*
hahahaha crazywoman. that's my new nickname for lynette!
sorry ah sam but i cant help it hahaha
*
Qn: What's worse than having a mother at home?
Ans: Having TWO mothers. (the grandma.)

My dad's mom is staying with us for now cos she broke her arm a couple of weeks ago.
Its very jialat when one breaks bones at old age and i do feel sorry for her, BUT.
Think all grandmothers are the 'protect the grandchild with their life' kind?
Nah. my gram's the 'protect the SON with her life' kind.
Ok la, dont say till so bad cos she slips me $ whenever i go out. heh!

A few days back i slept very very late so i slept through the whole morning. It seemed to be about to rain so my gram was shouting for me (her voice is damn loud) to bring in the clothes. My head was practically on my shoulders as i draaaggged myself out of bed and went to the access area to bring in e clothes.
And i saw my dad happily sitting there, painting a sign (real estate thing).
i wanted to swear.
Me in an irritated tone: "Ni zuo zai zhe er yi ye bu hui bang wo shou yi fu ah!" (you sit here only also dont know how to help me keep the clothes!)
My dad sorta blew up abit and said: "Bu hui kan wo zai zuo dong xi shi bu shi!" (dont know how to see that im doing something is it!)
Wah, he cannot just put down the things he were doing and bring in e clothes ah?! The thing wont run away wat! Then my ahma, she the best-
Gram: "Aiyah, papa yao zhuan qian, mei you kong, bang mang yi xia la!" (dad needs to earn $, not free, just help awhile!)
After i brought in the clothes it drizzled abit then the sun came out again. I put out the clothes again, only to have the sky turn downcast again after 15mins.
And there went my sleep. Wassup wit da weather man?!

Anyway. Now i know why my mom cant stand my dad whenever he doesnt know how to take the initative. She was complaining to my gram about my dad's untidiness and my gram kindly skirted the issue, defending my dad saying that his elder brother is also like that.
Then just now only, i was complaining that there was only brown rice porridge for lunch.
My mom told me to cook some other side dishes on my own, brown rice is very nutritious, dont know how to appreciate, i can just keep eating 'computer chips', etc.
Dear grandmama started to add in alot of stuff, about all my aunties and cousin being able to cook, i should learn how to cook, blahhh. She and my mom. Nagggggg ah.
i do know how to cook, and i couldnt be bothered to listen and respond to their self-entertainment.
Poor gram though. all she does is stay in my house and eat, sleep and watch tv.
She cant do anything much cos her right arm's broken.
She stays all the way back in Bedok, and that's where most of my paternal relatives reside in too, and her taiji kakis are all there, so i guess she's freaking bored lor. and i dont have much to say to her usually.
Also, i wonder why old people can just pick their noses and teeth, fart and burp in public, slurp their soup, make the phlegm-removing-hacking-noise and remain nonchalant like its totally acceptable for them to do so.
Out of respect, i then have to try to hide my disgusted face and hold my breath..bleah.
Nothing against my gram or old people, but i wonder.
is it because they're old and so they dont care about their image anymore?
or is it because they think that since they're old, they can do anything they like and no one should say anything?
What if i grow old and one day start behaving like them old people??
oh mannnn. i dont wanna think about that!
But i DEFINITELY will try not becoming an old hag man.............. argh.

Ok la dad im coming. its brown rice time. Bleargh.

i feel like reeling over whenever i see girls who pose in a damn act cute fashion in photographs.
especially girls, like jeff puts it, whose 'face machiam kenna langar-ed'.
Buay Tahan ah!
There are some who think that their eyes are freaking big
but they have a flat nose
so they tilt their head downwards abt 10 degrees
and stare into the camera with their eyes enlarged.
and give that innocent, act cute stare which will either tooootally turn one On, or Off.
Sorry ah, the latter only works for me.
I guess they do realise that that particular feature of their face is well, unattractive,
and the only way to make it look nicer is that pathetic pose.
So it goes, the definition of cute is: Ugly but Adorable.
Ffffffffffffffugly, i say.
And i dont understand why some guys (read: mostly ahbengs) will just droooool over them
and demand their phone numbers instantly.
Im not being a jealous female down here,
but i was looking at some photos and there was an inspiration from some of them.
i have had this thought a long time ago already and i thought i'd blog it.
Oh well.
im borrrrreeeeeeeedddddddd!! grr.

My uncle hasnt even called me to start work la.
He said he'd forgotten.
argh all the lost time...everyday is $$!!
I need money for:
1. Church Camp - $200
2. Thai Mission Trip - $500
3. Laptop - $1500
4. Shopping, own expenses - $300
total: $2500.

Siao liao la. Its almost impossible to get that much money already.

im really happy in your presence
but some facts are still unchangeable...
that's why it still hurts at times.
Just be the you i love ok? ((:
i'll be fine.

http://bbenii.friendtest.com

Go do! thanks! heh.

MyImmortalevanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When I'd cried you'd wipe away all of my tears
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears
And you held my hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When I'd cried you'd wipe away all of my tears
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears
And you held my hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When I'd cried you'd wipe away all of my tears
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears
And you held my hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Why do some clothes die die also require a thong/g-string???
why?!
why are VPLs a no-no??
arghhh.
its a case of ai swee mai mia (love beauty dont want life).
i can DIE in a g-string.
its just soooo.....cutting.
wedgie alllllllll da way.
and my butt feels, well, butt-naked.
i think there's no point wearing g-strings.
it doesnt really cover erm, anything much
so there's no point wearing any underwear at all. right?

bleah.
anywayys,

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY JEAN!!
21 rite? :P

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/southeastasia/view/75451/1/.html

read: 1st paragraph, 2nd line, 1st word.

:D~~~~~~

was writing a poem when my freaking com hung.
so i forgot about re-writing it.
it was too painful to continue anyway.
im tired, im bored, no life, im sweating like a pig though im not moving anything but my hands, im stuck 24/7 to the com.
a talk yesterday at YF told me that staring at the com screen too long will cause e aqueous humour in your eyes to form crystals.
great. i hope i go blind.. arghhh.
my life starts after 1am, but not daily.
i wanna go back to school!!!

im on a bungee ride
one moment im high; the next im falling.
when it stops, im still left hanging
on a fraying cord.
then disappointment and sadness creeps in
and i wish for the cord to snap.
but it just doesnt want to
so i keep swinging, trying to snap it-
and it starts all over again.
its a vicious cycle.

IM IN!!

hello NgeeAnnPoly
hello Mass Communications

My friends XuanBing and Christina are all in.
Christina's in FilmSoundVideo though.
but Yay. ((:
Thank God!

why do you just have to be
everything ive always wanted?
tell me how am i going to let go..
how........

its raining at my estate only.
from where i am, i can see CLEAR BLUE SKIES overhead ngeeannpoly!
someone up there must be angry with me =|
going out for a purevanilla wit mel. (:
tml's e official results!!
band prac later.
finally im singing this time.
* croak croak *

Josh Groban- To where you are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration

Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me
From up above.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you’re there
A breath away's not far to where you are.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn’t faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me
From up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
and that love will live on
And never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you’re there
A breath away's not far to where you are.

I know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are